It's all about choices...

Overnight, I became a mom of three. Going from a mom of one, to a mom of three has been challenging. I was prepared for the fatigue, the constant diapers, burping and laundry but what I wasn't prepared for was the emotional guilt I feel each time I have to chose which child I am going to attend to first. I was advised to go to the oldest child first because she would remember what you do. I have tried my best to give each one the attention they need and in general everyone gets my attention when they need it most. At times I feel everything is just a little too methodical and not spontaneous enough. I go from feeding, changing, burping one baby to the next and then running after my oldest. There isn't enough cuddle time during the day for the babies. It makes me sad to think back to when my oldest was born and how I spent every minute of the day snuggling and fussing over her. I feel that I don't give the twins enough individual time. And for me I am guilt ridden each time I have to choose who to feed first. Of course I go to the one who is crying the loudest and as I feed one, I try to rub the other's head. But it breaks my heart each time one is crying and the other is looking up at me with his big eyes, in despair. As I snuggle & feed the one, I am always am looking at the clock trying to figure how much time it will take me before I can get to the other. This is not how it should be, but it's my reality. I know I am doing my best, but at times I feel it's just not enough and once I add my daughter in the mix, it just makes me feel even worse. I know that this will be a constant battle for me. One that I will need to continually work on. It's very hard to except, but I do get that it is all about the choices...